On the Honey and the Beesting

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Why I shouldn't have caffeine after the sun has gone down

Okay, so when i was younger, like as in, before I left home for University (or as the American relatives call it, College, except, right. I got into University? So, um, yeah. ), my mom had this rule that I wasn't allowed to have coffee after 4 pm. And I never really understood that rule until now, because I stopped at Cafein (aptly named) and now I'm freaking wired.

And I have to get up at 7:15 tomorrow morning, or rather, in six hours, to go to volunteering. Which has gotten rather stressful because the person I'm shadowing seems to have forgotten that I volunteer and now thinks that I get paid to show up or something, as made obvious when she calls me at 9:30 in the morning on wednesdays to ask why the hell I'm not at the school yet because someone is doing work on her computer and she needs the disc that she lent me right away, whereupon I have to get up, in the middle of Hebrew class, fire off some lame excuse, grab a taxi to race to the school, only to find that it's just a computer technician updating her computer and he would appreciate the disc so that he could reinstall the program which, by the way, is something that I could have done on my own at noon, which is when I usually get to the school, which is something she would know if, instead of yelling at me for not coming in the morning, which I never do, she noticed that I always come on wednesdays at noon, so it's not like i've ever set a precedent for coming before noon, because i have school until then, and holy crap, instead of yelling at me, get a freaking clue.

In other news, when I was last in Toronto, a cousin of mine who spent a year in Israel and who also wrote a blog about it, mentioned how my blog is diametrically opposite from her own. Mainly because hers is all Israel-Fuzzy-Bunnies and mine is all Israel-Holy-Jesus-I'm-Tweaking-Out-In-This-ADD-Travesty-Of-A-Country. For example: (and I shall hilite the relevant portions of comparison) (and yes, you can spell it 'hilite')
Israel-Fuzzy-Bunnies: So, a bunch of us decided that we wanted to go to Tel Aviv for a couple of days after Yom Kippur, before Sukkot. It was SO much fun!! here are some of the cool moments and good times: paddle boating on the yarkon with Jen and Amnon-so much fun! We were taking lots of pictures by the little fake lake there and enjoying the palm trees and park area that was in the middle of the city of Tel Aviv. Our funky youth hostel was quite enjoyable! We stumbled upon fun Hindi pictures and decorations and enjoyed the lockers in the room.
Israel-Holy-Jesus-I'm-Tweaking-Out: You know that Israel is still a 'developing country' when they get a little inclement weather and the radio reception freaks the hell out. And for the love of all that's good and holy, someone needs to take Israeli women aside and teach them how to pee like civilized people and not, say, all over the seat and on the floor. Like, they're given guns at 18, shouldn't they know how to aim already? That's a scary thought. If their urinary habits are any reflection on their shooting ability, then it's no wonder that Amnesty International is all up in our faces.
Summary: My cousin's Israel is so much fun (Exclamation point! Another one!) , whereas my Israel needs to take a Ritalin.

But anyways, I decided to write a few fuzzy bunnies about Israel, just so people don't think I'm completely bitter and unloving. I'm Zionist-WHAT, okay? Ain't nobody more Zionist than me.

Israeli Fuzzy Bunnies:
-I love that I can go to the beach every day to a)do my homework (riiiiiight...) b)get a tan c)get picked up by men ages 18-60 d)chillz out and e) to be able to say 'so i went to the beach every day for three months straight' and make all my pasty-white-it's-called-vitamin-D-friends back home wicked jealous .

-I love that my university student union has a concert (with moderately to rather famous singers/bands) every wednesday at noon, so that even though classes are scheduled for that time anyways, they basically have to cancel them wednesdays at noon cause of the concerts. And I love that a good reason for cancelling class is 'dude. we got let out early cause of the concert'. Because a concert should totally be a valid reason.

-I love that the student union serves free Goldstar beer at the aforementioned concerts.

-I love how all the readings for the regular Israeli classes are in English so that I have an advantage in my "Introduction to Semitic Linguistics" class.

-I love how the falafel/shawarma lady in the Carmel Centre remembers that I like pickles packed in a separate bag, and how she sticks in a few pickled cauliflowers for good measure.

-I love how the barista guy at Cafein knows how I like my coffee. And how they have 'free samples' of their coffee-chocolates, and how the free samples are the size of two-dollar-coins and are white-chocolate-chocolate. And how I put like four circles of free chocolate in my coffee. And take seven more for the road. Mmmmm.

-I love how Israelis think their country is so huge and that it's such a pain to travel anywhere, but how for me, getting from Haifa to Jerusalem is just like driving to downtown Toronto in really bad traffic, except I don't have to tweak out, because I just bought an overpriced book at the bookstore at the Central Bus Station and I'm not the one driving.

-I love how I'm going to a Kelly Clarkson concert in Tel Aviv next weekend because her guitarist is Israeli and how I'm going to sing "Behind these Hazel Eyes" all the way to Tel Aviv on the train and probably be surrounded by screaming 14 year olds, but how I don't care because oh my god, Kelly Clarkson!!!

-I love how people in this country are raised on Bamba and actually think that it tastes good and not in fact like peanut covered feces.

-I love how a centimetre of snow shuts down cities and brings out army bulldozers to clear the roads, because shovels, what's that?

-I love the artists' market in Tel Aviv because I want to buy everything that they sell. Everything. Gorgeous.

-I love how dark jeans and a clean t-shirt is a completely acceptable outfit to wear at any function which would be black-tie-no-options in North America.

-I love getting conflicting and unsolicited philosophies of life from taxi drivers. Which helps to remind me why I don't want to be a taxi driver. Because then I would need a philosophy of life which goes beyond "I guess I'll marry rich and be barefoot and pregnant for the next twenty years", which wouldn't work out if I was a taxi driver, because I can't really drive barefoot. And if I was sandaled and pregnant, then I would totally be violating my philosophy of life, and I think there's like a rule against that in the taxi driver's handbook. Right under the rule that says that "You are Mario Andretti, and we will point and laugh at you if you drive under 100 km an hour and stop for stupid things like red lights."

-I love the people who go to clubs and wear their sunglasses inside. At two in the morning. When it's dark in the club. And who pop their collars. And who's friends tell them to unpop their collars cause it looks stupid while saying nothing about the sunglasses.

-I love how one can buy alcohol at the gas-station/supermarket/convenience store and rent porn from the Rent-A-DVD machines at the mall. Not that I've done either, because it just seems so white-trash and tacky, and I don't think I can get over the feelings that the gas-station/supermarket/convenience store alcohol screams 12 Step Program and how Rent-A-DVD machines are crawling with venereal diseases. But I love how the option is there for when I'm comfortable with it.

-I love how the security guard at the mall will determine that I am not armed and/or dangerous by lifting my purse for thirty nanoseconds with the palm of his hand and ignoring the metal detector wand when it beeps on my back. And I'm not actually sure why it beeps there. I think I have metal studs in my jeans. Regardless, they go ignored

-I love how post-army Israelis have to go 'find themselves' in India or Thailand. Cause, it's not like there's any spirituality in Israel or anything. I also love how after they land in India or Thailand, they seek out other Israelis. And only chillz with them. And by chillz, i mean 'do massive amounts of drugs'. And then come back and go to Yoga class and eat Pad Thai because now they're all cultured and worldly and stuff.


That is all for now. There will probably not be any more passive-aggressive fuzzy bunnies for a while, because while it's been fun, I'm more of an actively-aggressive kind of person. But we'll see.


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