Procrastinate! A merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

Okay, I should be studying for my semantics midterm, but I read this, and I mean, come on...

The title reads "Snatched baby penguin may not survive 'til Christmas".

I would like to tell whoever is CNN.com's editor that trying to draw a link between this title and Christmas with the word 'tis , trying to be a cross between Frank McCourt and The Night Before Christmas at the same time, is stupid and redundant, and instead of coming off as cultured and witty you come off as stupid and redundant. Of course the story relates to Christmas, that's why you mentioned the holiday in the title in the first place. Also, I should know the actual title of "The Night Before Christmas", which is not actually that, I don't think, but rather has some good wholesome protestant title for a children's story you tell about a fat man coming to break into your house at night, eat food, and leave questionable packages behind, and this is supposed to comfort your children at night, while completely leaving out any reference whatsoever to the birth of the dude we nailed to a cross some 2000 years ago? (at this point I'm supposed to apologize for fanning the flames of religious hatred, but I'm feeling snarky. You're damn right we killed him. It seems we've moved on to Antarctic fowl. What, you're going to announce a pogrom in Times Square? The Syrians are about to attack us after we fail to cede Shaba Farms to the Lebanese, which wasn't theirs in the first place. Bring it on)

Anyways, not only has someone kidnapped a penguin.
A baby penguin.
A baby jackass penguin.

*giggle*

A baby jackass penguin before christmas (oh my god, not before christmas! How will santa find the penguin to leave questionable packages 'neath his tree bedecked in boughs of holly?)

(tra la la la la, la la la la)

But the baby jackass penguin is doomed to uncertain death before Christmas.
Can you believe the inhumanity of it all?

It's like, they couldn't find anyone who was clubbing baby seals at christmas time, so they found a heartstring-tugger about a different sub-zero dweller. Though if you ask me, the big fat guy in red has questionable fur trimmings on his outfit...Methinks the elves are up to no good.

In totally unrelated other news (though if I were the editor of Cnn.com, it appears that I would relate my next paragraph to the title because in the next paragraph I'll be talking about Jesus, who some like to call Christ, and if you search the title, you'll find the letter combination c-h-r-i-s-t happening somewhere there. Dumbass), when did Christmas become about getting presents from Santa Claus, and less on the birth of Christ? I mean, I'm not in charge of anything in Christianity, but this strikes me as something the Church leaders might want to take a good look at when they question why today's generation has such a disconnect from the teachings of Jesus, and why conversion is at such an all time low.

It's cause Grandpa Claus is distracting me with presents. Jesus never brought me presents. He brought me the Crusades, the Auto da Fe, the Spanish Inquisition, Peter Stuyvesant, Hitler, the Ku Klux Klan, and the Parisian Banlieues. But none of them came gift wrapped in shiny red "Happy Holidays!" paper. Screw the 'body and blood of the lord'. I want a present!

After they find the baby jackass penguin (who gets to name these species and how is it that I am not on the species-naming commitee? I could be so creative...), I think they should really look into that.

See below for your viewing pleasure
-Jess


Snatched Baby Penguin May Not Survive 'Til Christmas
Zoo: Snatched penguin may be Christmas gift

LONDON (AP) -- A baby penguin believed to have been snatched from a British zoo as a quirky holiday gift is unlikely to survive until Christmas Day, his keeper warned Tuesday.
Toga, a 3-month-old Jackass penguin, was stolen Saturday from Amazon World on the Isle of Wight in southern England.
Zoo manager Kath Bright said the bird, who was taken from a compound where he lived with his parents and four other penguins, probably would die of malnutrition if not urgently returned.
"Toga is very, very vulnerable. The penguin is still being fed by his parents and we don't believe it could survive more than five days," she told The Associated Press.
"The bird has already been missing for around three days and is likely to be severely dehydrated. If he isn't returned before Thursday, he is likely to become so ill that even intensive care treatment won't save him."
The brown-and-white penguin will bite if frightened and refuses to be fed by human hand, Bright said. Toga is too young to have yet had a gender confirmed but traditionally is referred to as a male, she added.
There was no sign of forced entry to the pen, but a thief would have been able to climb into the compound and carry Toga away, Bright said.
"We can't understand what may have been going through the thief's head, but we are worried someone decided a penguin would make the perfect Christmas gift," she added. "There has been a lot of attention because of the film 'March of the Penguins.' Perhaps someone saw the film and thought their wife or girlfriend would be thrilled to have one as a present."
The French movie was a box-office hit and has been credited with drawing tourists to penguin-spotting sites across the world.