It's Non-Stop Excitement at Haifa U

The Bus-stop at the University: Convenience or Death Trap?

People ask me if I worry about my safety on an Israeli bus.
I worry more about my safety off the Israeli bus.

I take the bus at least once a day, and every time upon my return to the University, I take my life into my own hands. Or rather, the hands of the busdriver speeding along his merry way.
(Because in Israel, the speed limit is just a friendly suggestion).

To explain my predicament, I have taken the time to draw a helpful diagram (not to scale). And yes, I actually spent half an hour on the damn thing. So appreciate it.

Okay, so here's the legend:

The cross-shaped structure is the Guard booth= Your Final Destination. This is the structure that any resident/visitor to the dorms must pass through to actually get into the dorms. It is usually the final destination of students taking the bus towards the dormitories, though often, students may get off at the bus stop (small green structure marked on the bottom left of the picture) and follow the yellow path towards other buildings on campus.

The red line marks the path of incoming busses (buses?), which whip around the traffic circle 45 seconds after dropping people off and heads toward the bus station and into the bus lane.

Note: Cars do not use the bus lanes. There is only one lane (the middle lane) for cars. It is, in fact, not a two way street, but rather, a two-way lane.

The yellow line marks the path of incoming cars hoping to park in the dorms parking lot.

The blue line marks the path of cars exiting the dorms parking lot.

Visibility to the rest of the road is blocked by a bush, which means cars making the right turn on the blue line cannot see A)oncoming traffic entering the parking lot on the yellow line, B)busses/buses backing up to get a good position on the red line to get into the bus lane next to the bus station, or C)people crossing on the pink line. The bush also means that oncoming traffic/pedestrians cannot see cars about to make the right turn on the blue line.

The pink line marks the average path of people getting off at the bus stop and heading towards the final destination: guard booth.

The white arrows painted in the middle lane by the Israeli Roads Authority, obscured by the pink, red, blue and yellow lines, point in both directions because Israel is apparently a third world country.

It must be mentioned that cars travelling the yellow line usually take a tight left turn, often crossing into the path of the blue line.

Conclusions to be drawn from the diagram: At any given point in the day, every single line upon which travels a car/bus/pedestrian, will intersect at the black starburst of doom

Consequences for me: vehicular manslaughter

To get to the bus station coming from the dorms through the guard booth, I must:
a) cross my fingers and take the long way around, crossing over both car lanes, going behind and around the bus station, and

or b) cross my fingers and then cross both car lanes, the bus lane/free-for-all-middle-lane

To get to the dorms through the guard booth coming from the bus stop, I must:
a) be faster than the bus who dropped me off as he takes 45 seconds to whip around the traffic circle (note: it takes a good 48 seconds to get from the bus stop to the bush, depending on if the bus waits to leave the bus stop right after dropping you off. 50 seconds if he doesn't wait.), cross the bus lane, cross the free-for-all-middle lane, cross both car lanes, and get onto the sidewalk and into the guard booth

or b) die.

Linguistics Majors (read: Big dorks) and the Israeli Media

The giant 20 foot ad on top of the Chorev Mall is one of the things that makes this country great.
It features an adolescent girl sprawled suggestively across the poster, in a skimpy bikini which barely covers her chest, an unfortunate corporate name on the bottom right corner ("The Banana", which I take to be the name of the bathing suit brand), and the following words written in close proximity to the girl's prominent bosom (which isn't so much prominent as it is a flat bosom covered by a bikini that's a good size or two too small):

ת'ציצי בפנים
(Transliterated: Ta'tseetsee beef-neem)

Now. Next to the first letter, a taf,(reading from right to left, remember) is an apostrophe which can be ignored, giving us the following translation:
"Peek inside!" (a command for a girl), which the perverted among us can take to mean "[hey, you girl over there,] Peek inside my bikini!", but which I would prefer to mean "[hey, lady,] Peek inside our store!".

Or. The apostrophe remains an apostrophe, the taf is interpreted as the Israeli slang form of the word - את ה, eht-ha (which marks a direct object of a verb), for example: ta'kufsa (the box): Ani mekhapeset ta'kufsa ("I'm looking for the box) (As opposed to eht ha-kufsa).
Using this interpretation of the spelling (as the ad-designer wishes us to do), we get the translation:
"The boob inside"

The clever ambiguity created on purpose by the ad company catches you between the feminine imperative form of the verb להציץ, (leh-hatsits) to peek (תציצי!-tatsitsi! peek!), and the Israeli slang word for breast, ציצי (tsitsi) (ת'ציצי-ta'tsitsi-The boobie).

So:
Peek inside!
The boob inside!

What a beautiful country.

Yom HaStudent

At all Israeli universities (and some colleges), there is a fabulous institution known as Yom Hastudent, or "Student Day". This is when all of the students of a particular university or college get a day off of school that has been pre-selected by their respective Student Union (Hereby known as the Agudat Hastudentim, or, just the ****ing Agudah), and then later in the day, they attend a fun-filled event, also planned by their ****ing Agudah, where they will get lots of free stuff from different sponsors, eat lots of (junk) food, and attend concerts by famous Israeli musicians.

Such is the background to the events planned yesterday, May 25th, by the University of Haifa's ****ing Agudah, who's slogan, kan bishvilcha/bishvilech(here for you), is a big joke.

**Disclaimer: The term ****ing Agudah only applies to the Agudat Hastudent at the University of Haifa. I'm told the ones at the Technion and at Tel Aviv University are pretty awesome.

In September, I paid the ****ing Agudah (who was not the ****ing Agudah at the time, but rather just the Agudat Hastudentim) money to become a member, which got me, for starters, a great backpack and an agenda, but also promises of free/discounted entry to all events planned by the Agudah.
They kept their promise when it came to the 8% discount at the bookstore
They kept their promise with their weekly concerts of relatively famous musicians/bands every wednesday accompanied with free (!) beer
They kept their promise with the fantastically discounted 5-month bus-pass
They kept their promise with the wildly cheap after-school activities like dancing and yoga.
But they royally screwed me over when it came to Yom Hastudent, and so my 10 month-long love affair with the ****ing Agudah came to an end.

On all the signs around the university promoting Shlomo Artzi! Tzvika Pik! Sarit Hadad! Shotei Hanevua! Mashina!, were also the words "Free for members of the Agudah". And 60 shekels for soldiers/other students.
So on the day they began ticket sales, I went down with my card and asked for the free agudah ticket. But the girl at the desk looked at my card and said "Oh, you're an overseas student. I'm sorry, but you don't get it for free. You need to pay 60 shekels". And I said "No, you're mistaken, because the very fact that I have this card is because I am a member of the Agudah." And she said "Well, I can't find you in the system, so my hands are tied, but go down to the Agudah office and I'm sure they'll take care of it". So I go downstairs to the office, and politely describe the situation to the secretary, in English, because when it comes to administrative problems, I like to be able to fully understand what's going on. She turns to her boss and explains the situation to her. And the boss totally flips out. In Hebrew. At me.
"Oh, I hate these overseas students! They're so spoiled, and they're always demanding things, and I caved when they wanted membership to the Agudah, and I gave in to them with the bus pass which they shouldn't have gotten, but I won't give in to the Yom Hastudent tickets, because they don't pay nearly as much as our students, and they don't pay student fees, and the answer is no!"
And she storms out of the office to, I don't know, photocopy something.

Big. Mistake. Just because I'm currently expressing myself in English does not mean I don't understand it when you are being a total heinous bitch to me in Hebrew. Also, like any other exchange student at any university on the planet, I pay a hell of a lot more money to attend this school than a regular Israeli university student. And I did pay all of my student activity fees, for more than regular Israeli students paid, I just happened to pay it to a different department. But I was too shocked to repeat all this to her also visibly shaken secretary. So I went upstairs and complained to the head of the overseas department, who promised to solve the matter. My counselor comes down to the office, and starts talking to Ms-I-Am-Overdue-For-A-Workshop-In-Customer-Relations (herein known as Ms IAOFAWICR), who backtracks on the whole "I totally lost it in front of a student" scene and explains that in fact, she's not giving me the free ticket for my own benefit, because the student card I have, which says that I am an Agudah member, is different from the normal agudah card, because they essentially gave us a glorified ISIC (International Student ID Card) card instead of the right card back in september, and they're worried that the guard at the gate won't recognize my card when I present it with my free agudah ticket.
To which I say, loudly, and not unobnoxiously, "So because you idiots screwed up in September, I have to pay 60 shekels?"
My counselor shushes me, and I say, again, and not unobnoxiously, "No, it's okay Eliad, she made it clear that she doesn't speak English when she was a total bitch yesterday in Hebrew."
He shushes me again, and I ask, "Well, if the problem is with our cards, which will work for the 60 shekel ticket, why not just tear off a couple of sixty shekel tickets off the top and hand them to us for free? That way, we get in for free and there won't be a problem with our cards at the gate"
And then Ms IAOFAWICR is all "No, the tickets have serial numbers, and if we report some as not being paid, we have a tax problem"
Because I totally care about your tax problems.
Give me my damn free ticket!
At the end of the day, and after letting it get all the way to the board of governors, the matter was not resolved, and I had to pay 60 shekels to get in. Which is not a terrible price; it was more the principle of the thing.

So after determining that The ****ing Agudah Must Die A Terrible Miserable Death, I went to the Mitcham Ketzef where Yom Hastudent was being held. The entire day was pretty great, except I have to admit I was disappointed when I found out that Mitcham Ketzef (which means Foam Premises) was just the name of the area, as opposed to being a Foam Room (cause I saw "Foam Room" and was all "this is the coolest university, ever, hands down. A FOAM room?!? Wow." And then I thought of CSI, where they had an episode with a bubble/foam room at a club and a guy gets stiletto-heel-through-the-necked to death and was all "hmmm...potential for disaster" because I learn everything I know from CSI, but I was still undeterred), so that was a little sad. But even though the concerts started 2 hours after schedule, and even though it was the hottest it's been so far (35 degrees because of the humidity), and even though there was no shade, and even though I harbor animosity toward the ****ing Agudah, and even though Mitcham Ketzef is really just a glorified outdoor ranch with packed dirt floors and NO shade from the sun that was beating down, and even though I have a nasty sore throat from the dirt, Yom Hastudent was AMAZING!

This is, of course, because of all the food stands, there was a thai noodles place.

I am also a closet Sarit Hadad fan. And Shlomo Artzi is nothing to sneeze at, either.

And Tuborg handed out clever little boxes where you pull a tab as if it is a beer can and out pops a lemon-flavored condom and the inside of the box says "taste the summer" and I love it when organizations pass out clever little condoms with clever little sayings (like how at Queen's, the Hillel passes out condoms that say on the wrapping "Israel needs protection and so do you". Brilliant!)

And there was a Playstation van where you could (and I did) play EA Sports! Soccer for as long as your heart desired. Though I must admit, I don't know how to play soccer on a video game for the life of me. But yelling at the screen/my controller/my opponent for a solid half hour without being told to "Please leave because Ma'am, you're making a scene", was awesome.

You know of course, that if it wasn't for the thai food/Sarit Hadad/clever condoms/Playstation van, that I would have been just as fine. But I still hate the ****ing Agudah. Because they're probably responsible for, like, the Middle East Conflict. And ecological disasters, like, global warming.

Jerks.

Next week: Yom Hastudent at the Technion! Which, proving that it is so many worlds more awesome than Haifa University, will be a two-day event featuring Shlomo Artzi (who is actually performing at a whole bunch of other university yom hastudents), Ivri Leider, Miri Mesika, Beit Habubotg, HaGiraffot, Galgalatz, the IDF bands, Aviv Gefen, Shalom Chanoch, Hayehudim, and a bunch of other artists I haven't heard of.
And hopefully, some thai food.

Israel: The Best and Worst of...

Our madrikh, Eliad, asked us all to fill in this survey so that he can make a suggestion book for future students. Here were my answers (keeping in mind that most restaurant suggestions, unless noted otherwise, are in and around Haifa)

Best Hiking Experiences:
1)Nachal Ammud, in the Galilee near Tzfat. This is for those of you who actually hate hiking trips, like me. Very easy and doable paths through a shade-filled forest with springs that you can swim in. Nice views of the Galilee

2)To Daliat Al Karmel; This can be done with a cab or the 022 bus from the university (which FYI, never comes), but the cool kids walk up the damn road (where on saturdays, a family sets up a Druzi Pita stand on the University side of the road), mainly because taxis are never going the right way, but also because the Carmel Forest is on the other side, and it's pretty scenic. I would try flagging a cab right around Bustan HaCarmel, a good 45 minutes-hour walk from the university and reportedly a good 3-4 hour walk from Dalia, because otherwise it's just too far. (though Daliya is only 20 minutes by car/bus/cab)
And by the way, there is no bus back from Dalia. Catch a Sherut near the Fox Plus store around 4, 4:30ish. Otherwise, you're shit out of luck. We've gotten all the way to Usufiya on foot before seeing a cab.

Best Places to Meet Israelis Off Campus:
Clubs, Bars, Museum, the Beach...Anywhere in Israel...Volunteer Programs...
Chof Hastudentim, two minute walk south along the tayelet from Chof Hacarmel.

Best Traveling outside the Country tips:
Shana suggests Issta Travels (Outside the Main Building of the University, next to the Post Office, where the bus stop is), because they have good student deals. I suggest Terminal One because my aunt works there.

Best Bars/Restaurants/Coffee Shops
-Dinerash (Dinner Rush...) in Merkaz Carmel: 25 shekels for all meals. Very cheap and yet surprisingly gourmet
-La Goffre in Merkaz Carmel: Belgian Waffles, Crepes, and Icecream.
-Pomodoro's Pizza in Merkaz Carmel: The sit-down is very good, DO NOT ORDER DELIVERY. They suck at delivery and the pizza from the Moadon at the dorms is probably cheaper.
-Aroma Cafe in Merkaz Carmel
-Greg's Cafe either at the upstairs strip of the university (be pushy) or in the Merkaz Carmel. The one in Merkaz Carmel has great food and is a good place for dinner
-Cafein, also in Merkaz Carmel, but they're nicer at the one in Chorev. Get the Chocolama if you are a chocolate fan.
-Litchi Japanese Restaurant in Merkaz Carmel
-Tatami Japanese Restaurant, between Chorev and Carmel
-Frangelico's Japanese Kiosk (you sit down at the bar) in the Grand Kanyon. If it's the bitchy waitress (she's the one who looks generally depressed with her life/job/hairstyle and who refuses to break larger bills), leave. Otherwise, the sushi is amazing, and the tempura vegetarian sushi rolls are awesome. Get the (freshly cooked) Agedashi Tofu soup, not the (microwaved) miso.
-Mandarin Cafe: The one in Chorev serves dinner/lunch/breakfast, and has more food options and is generally in less of a sketchy area than the one in Merkaz Carmel
-Broadway Bagel in the Chorev Mall. Kosher, so not open on Shabbat. Also, the food is really good, but let's just say that they aren't known for speedy service.
-Coffee to Go at Tel Aviv University, across from the Einstein dorms
-Shaltieli: Nargila Bar on the Chof Carmel Beach, right next to the Camel bar/restaurant, and above the natural amphitheater. Good Nargila, good alcohol, good fries, and good chummus+pita
Camel: Bar on the beach (Chof Carmel), great food, kind of pricy
Kadarim: Restaurant on the beach, north of Chof Carmel (just walk along the tayelet)
Misa'dat Achim Chalabi in Daliyat alCarmel. Great place, HUGE amounts of very good middle eastern food for ridiculously cheap (2 people each ate 2 kebabs, 5 different types of salads, chumus, pitta, felafel balls, arab desserts, soda pop, rice, pickles, tea, and coffee...for 40 shekels. That's 10 bucks.), great service. Also, the Chalabis basically own Daliya, so whereever you eat will be good.

General Tips About Israel:
-Dont assume that just because they're not speaking English at the moment, that they can't understand you when you try to speak about them behind their back.
-Totally go to the Haifa Film Festival! See as many films as possible. Free movies are played in the evening outdoors in Gan Ha'em in Merkaz haCarmel, and there are booths with fun things to buy in the park near the Cinematheque, at the entrance to Merkaz haCarmel.
-Get a cellphone. You may think you're being avant-garde and "free from distraction" without one, but in real life, you're just obnoxious. People like to get in touch with eachother. If you want to be free from technology, then just go without internet, but in Israel, everyone should have a cell-phone. Worrying parents like to get a hold of their kids, hint hint. Also, many israelis do without landlines and only have a cellphone. Or two.
-Israeli movie theatres sell assigned seat tickets and the movies have an intermission. Usually, it is not a problem to move your seat around after the movie has started if its not the opening weekend, but don't ever count on that. If you're going in a group, have one person buy a chunk of tickets and pay them back later, or if you're all there at the same time, you can ask the teller to seat you together but pay separately. Also, the time at which the intermission interrupts the movie is randomly selected. Watch out for it.
-If you must have a computer, bring a laptop with wireless capability
-Unless it's major traffic jam time, ALWAYS have the driver turn on the meter (taf'il et hamoneh, bevakasha)
If you take busses and you plan on using them every day, it's cheaper just to get a monthly pass
-Otherwise, get a kartisiya, ten rides at 80% of the price. Cheaper still if you're short and get the youth pass instead of the student pass, though not all bus drivers allow it if you're riding from the university or look too old.
-Don't tip the cab drivers, it's not done, and if they expect it, they're trying to rip you off
-Always tip your waitresses at least 10% if not 15%. The waitress is not paid by the hour by the restaurant, and only makes whatever you leave her in tips.
-There is no such thing as a drop-in appointment at the doctor's office in Israel. There is not a hebrew word for "walk-in" or "drop-in". Book in advance. If you're very sick, go to the receptionist early in the morning and cry a lot and hack like you have a seriously infectious disease.
-Most cafes have a shelf of free postcards with witty sayings and sometimes little foldy origami paper things. Take as many as possible.
-Superpharm always has the longest lines. If you don't need it right away, leave the store without it.
-Buy all housewares at the housewares store on the first floor of the chorev mall. They have power strips and surge protectors. FYI: there is not a single israeli who seems to know the word "surge protector" in hebrew. This is because different companies call it different things. Ask for a magen brah-kim. Otherwise, you can buy dishwares at any supermarket.
-While the minimarket in the dorms is more convenient, buy your vegetables and fruit at a real supermarket. Which is often cheaper
-Tampons and pads cost a hell of a lot more in this country, bring them from home
-Do not take the train to Jerusalem unless you want to go to the Malcha Mall. Take the bus otherwise. And the 940, not the 947, which stops at every village along the way and takes twice as long.
-Do take the train to Tel Aviv
-Israelis have an interesting concept of "the line", especially in the supermarket. They think that people will "save their place" (if they don't leave their cart) and then can waltz back 20 minutes later and cut in line and be all "but I was here first even though I didn't leave another person or my cart or my child". Don't allow this. Not even if they're little old ladies. Kick them while they're down. Defend your place to the death. And it might come to that. However, if you really were in line first, don't let other people get in front of you. Make a big scene.
-Don't be the ugly american. Nobody likes a sloppy drunk unless they are also a sloppy drunk. Europeans and Canadians are also quite capable of being "ugly americans".

Easy recipe for the Dorms Kitchen:
Pancakes: All ingredients can be obtained at the minimarket upstairs. Measurements can be inexact,and it will still taste good. So if you don't have measuring cups or spoons, use plastic drinking cups for the cup, soup spoons for tablespoons, and small spoons for teaspoons.If you want to double/triple the recipe, double/triple all proportions but NEVER ADD MORE BAKING POWDER/SODA
-Oil pan, put it on a burner, turn on the burner
-1 plastic cup full of flour
-same plastic cup full of milk or water, depending on if you are vegan/lactose intolerant
-tablespoon or two of white sugar, or more, to your taste
-teaspoon of oil
-teaspoon of vanilla or of vanilla sugar (vanilla sugar packets can be bought at the minimarket)
-teaspoon of baking powder/soda (also can be bought at the minimarket; if you buy it in packets, use about a third of the packet)
-1 egg
Stir vigorously and ladle onto sizzling hot frying pan that is well oiled. You must oil the pan for each pancake you make. Flip the pancake when bubbles start to form, or when you can get it on the spatula without things flying everywhere
Recipe makes about three big pancakes.

United States of Nobody Freaking Cares About How Much You Hate George W Bush

Although I was born in the United States and carry an American passport (and not a Canadian one, funny enough), I grew up in Canada, and therefore carry a Canadian perspective on most things. However, regardless of with which national heritage I choose to identify, I think we can all agree that being a mensch is something that transcends passports. And it's a department in which most Anti-Bush thinking and thinkers are seriously lacking.

Having heard complaints for a good six years at least, I'm ready to say it out loud:

I'm $%&*ing sick and tired of hearing about how much you hate George W. Bush

"Blah blah blah, he's power hungry"
As much as talkshows joke about it, American policy does not work as if it's something the President is chatting with his drinking buddies one day and gets really trashed on a couple of mojitos and is all, "hey, let's go shoot us some Ay-rabs, y'all! And ban abortions! And oppress minorities!" And Boom! It's the law. It takes due process, and a vote, in either the House or the Senate, I don't know which because I don't care. The outcome of this is that the fate of the country is not just determined by one man; it just so happens that the one man is the figurehead that you elected to office.

"Blah blah blah, he's such a right-winged Christian"
America is a country founded by Christians on Christian principles, which only influence the country in that it's countrymen only elect white, middle aged Christian men to office. At which point it has just become your own damn faults. If you don't like it, move. Or, use your constitutional right to protest. I don't care which one. Just stop blaming the system, get off your soapboxes (read:laz-e-boy-recliners) and do something about it.

"Blah blah blah, I hate the Republicans"
In a bipartisan system, it's a fifty-fifty toss up between Democrats and Republicans, so better luck next time.

"Blah blah blah, get out of Iraq/Israeli affairs/Afghanistan"
Unless you are a political science major who also holds advanced degrees in middle eastern studies/politics/history with a minor in American foreign policy, shut the hell up. Your uneducated analyses/dissertations without merit on the Middle Eastern conflict serve to make the general population dumber than it already is.

"Blah blah blah, he's stupid"
In this day and age, and in fact since the beginning of the American governmental system, the President has had people to write his speeches for him. And I have to say, GWBush's speeches are nothing less than awesome. Whether you agree with the content of the speeches is an election issue; you can't deny that unless you have massive education, you wouldn't be able to come up with a presidential address if you tried. But the fact is that to attack the President's character by calling him stupid is kind of like a whole pile of pots with a kettle for a leader. And also, it's just plain rude.
(The reference, if you missed it, is "Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black". But if you were too stupid to catch that, then you sure as hell better watch your tongue next time you make fun of your president...)

As I see it:The only onewho can hate the American President by virtue of his character/education/religion is his dog, if any of the aforementioned cause him to not be taken out for a walk.

This is not the first, but rather the second time that your country has elected this president to office. So he's got that going for him.

In a democratic system, the leader needs to win by the majority of the vote. Which means that if you are of the minority who did not vote for the current president, you are guaranteed to disagree with his policies assuming that is the reason you did not vote for him in the first place. So stop beating your dead horses and cross your fingers for the next time around.

That is all.

-J

*Disclaimer: You will note that I did not take any sides in the Bush Rocks!/Bush Sucks! debate. This is because I choose to get an education about the issue before taking any sort of stance. Which unfortunately, a good chunk of current debate goes without.

Lag Ba'Omer and Other Holidays Where Israelis Burn Stuff

Lag Ba'Omer Same'ach!

And, if you're Sephardi: Lag La'Omer Same'ach!

Why do they have a different greeting, you ask? Well, it turns out that Lag La'Omer Same'ach is in fact the accurate choice according to the grammatical rules of Hebrew as it was spoken before Israel came to be and changed the language, and so Sephardim get an A+ in Hebrew Grammar!

But I digress.

Lag Ba/La'Omer is the 33rd day of counting the Omer (which are sheaves of wheat. For ancient tax purposes, I think. No seriously, who would have thought that the Jews would have a few tax-related holidays? Actually, probaby the Crusaders would have hazarded a guess. Tu Bishvat is tax-related, too. I can just picture the dialogue in the Middle Ages: "Halt! Jew! We don't like you. We're going to come burn down your synagogues and kick you out of our country. Generic-Jews-And-Their-Money-Statement-Here. And you for sure have holidays about money." And the Jews are all "No we d-....Oh. Oh, right. Damn it." ), and once upon a time, there was a terrible plague and a lot of Torah scholars died but! Miraculously, on the 33rd of the Omer, the plague stopped, and so every year, Jews (at least Israelis) celebrate by...lighting bonfires. Because someone was all "This is a Good Idea." And if you're curious, that someone is probably the same someone who organized a bunch of university students to go out to the Carmel National Forest last night to light their bonfires (brilliant) and also the same someone who was all "Hey! Fireworks! Let's set them off! By the power plant!". How is it that natural selection hasn't weeded these people out, yet?

All day yesterday before dusk, there was an excess of dirty children scrabbling around looking for wood and cardboard and stuff that burns. I assume they got dirty in the process of scrabbling, and were and will continue to be ordinarily clean individuals. In Haifa, it was like the entire city was on fire, so it was quite pretty. And totally unrelated to a bunch of scholars who up and didn't die. And my question is, on the 34th day of the Omer, did they start dying again?

Whatever. Welcome to Israel. On wikipedia.com, Israel is not listed as having a national motto, and therefore I would like to put forth a suggestion: "Israel: We like to burn stuff with every opportunity that comes our way."

Case in point: Yom Ha'atzmaut! (Independance Day) The national barbeque-al ha esh-mangal day. Where more stuff is burned and set on fire (like the fireworks. Again, coincidentally close to the power plant because that is A Good Idea). Though this post is a little chronologically backwards, given that Yom Ha'atzmaut was two weeks ago. I was just too lazy to post anything. Sorry.

My Yom Ha'atzmaut: I watched the fireworks that were set off at various points around the city, which is eventful because Haifa is on a mountain, so you can see several different displays going on at the same time. Then off to a bar downtown with a bunch of friends (albeit in a really, really sketchy area of Haifa which I don't go to in the daytime and why the hell are we going all the way downtown to a bar called HaSimta which means "The Alley" because it's located in, well, an alley, and remind me why we decided that going to this bar was a wise choice?) to while the night away (read: get really, really drunk). The next morning was not quite yet "lounge on the beach" weather, but I went to the beach anyways where every square foot of lawn above the tayelet was occupied by a barbeque or a makeshift-grill and the whole beach smelled like barbequeing meat, which I really enjoy, except that it made me hungry, so we had to stop at an overpriced beach restaurant, but it was okay, because it had outside seating so I was free to people-watch, which is one of my favorite activities. Also, best humus in Haifa is on the beach boardwalks.

The moral of the story: Lag Ba/La Omer, I just don't get you. Though you do indulge my pyromaniac tendencies. And Yom Ha'atzmaut, well, you're just awesome.

-J

Plot Hole!

So instead of doing Hebrew homework (of course), I'm watching Spiderman 2.
And I really have to take issue with one of the scenes here.

Peter Parker has hung up his Spiderman costume for what we are supposed to assume is "for good", in an effort to change his lifestyle back to a more normal pace. Because flying through the air while criminals fire submachine guns at you is apparently too stressful for the average superhero. Like, duh. So he passes three thugs pounding a kid in an alley, (a very brightly lit alley, considering it's New York, but I suppose you also have to realize that it's only the afternoon, so I'm not really sure why they picked a well-lit and easily accessible alley to beat up a guy in broad daylight) and the kid is screaming for help and Peter looks in, sighs, and carries on his merry way because he is no longer a superhero, and well, he's not the one getting beaten to a bloody pulp.

Plot hole 1: What the hell, man? Since when is it okay to let a guy get mugged in an alley in broad-freaking-daylight? Run for help! Call the police! Make a big racket! Find someone with a cellphone! It is people like you that get people like the Central Park Jogger raped in the middle of a crowd! Here, watch, it's easy: "Somebody call 911! Fire! Fire! Help! Help! Get the police!"


Peter finally goes to Mary Jane's play (The Importance of Being Earnest, which I think was a stupid movie, and from the thirty second shots I've seen of it, seems to be a stupid play, too), in which she is supposed to be "amazing", wonderful", "awesome", and when she notices him, she gets all flustered and misses her line.

Plot hole 2: This is the second time in the movie in which his presence/absence has caused her to screw up her lines in her play. Which tells me that maybe she's not such the great actress she's cracked up to be. Also? I've been on a stage, and you seriously can't see the audience for the stage lights, so unless it's a low-budget play with poor actors, I'm having issues stretching reality for the moment.

Anyways, Peter catches up with MJ after the play, who's all "oh, yay, you made it!". Like, scrape up a little more enthusiasm, babe. And he's all smiles, and invites her for chow mein, which she turns down with the line "Peter, I'm getting married."

Plot hole 3: So what? Since when did going for chow mein constitute a breach of marital vows? He'll probably pay! Like my uncle says, "Never turn down free food". Go for the freaking chow mein! Has "going for chow mein" turned into some sort of euphemism for "let's go have lots of hot sex behind your fiancé's back" while I was abroad? And why doesn't anyone keep me posted on these changes? And what happens if you're invited out for sushi? Imagine the possibilities!
Right, and then she's all "You think just because you saw my play, you can talk me out of getting married?"
Well, no, he thought you might be hungry and want to go for some good chinese food. Actually, chow mein isn't really all that great. He thought you might want to go for some mediocre chinese food.

And the best one of the day: In an effort to convince her that he's changed for the better, he says "MJ, I've changed! Punch me, I bleed!"

Plot hole 4: The best way to win a girl's heart is not by quoting Shylock from The Merchant of Venice, my friend. And also, I'm pretty sure that "Punch me, I bleed" is not actually in The Merchant of Venice. So, way to use a sucky line to misquote a play to a professional actress, dude. God, no wonder this guy is such a loser. He was better off in the red tights.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. I hate plot holes. Get an competent director.

That is all.
-J